Recollections of Timothy Fredericks: Founding Father

Chapter 7

From what I can remember, the room was alive with smoke, free-flowing tea, and talk of politics. The smoke was emanating from the pipes of many wigged gentlemen, the tea being poured in endless amounts by a properly dressed fellow making his rounds, and the politics concerned limiting the fundamental rights of women.

We were in Philadelphia, and the first meeting of the most prominent politicians in the land had just begun. We had been told to meet at this get-together by Thomas Jefferson, who let us pick the city to meet in. We chose Philadelphia because most of us had grown accustomed to it over the years, and the decision to meet at Benjamin Franklin's house was a group consensus. Franklin had not been particularly thrilled at this decision but alas he gave in.

"Not everybody wins in a Democracy," he quipped.

This was the gathering of what was later to be dubbed The Founding Fathers' League.

"The name was my idea," John Adams would always remark.

So here we were, the greatest political minds of our day, and yet none of us were quite sure why we were here. Jefferson had sent out invitations to all of us, we knew that much, but he was sketchy on the details.

"Perhaps it's another one of his orgies," Hamilton suggested.

This put Franklin in one of his trademark "Franklin tiffs," which consisted of him pacing around the room, arms crossed and eyes gleaming with tears. After we concluded it wasn't a famous Jeffersonian orgy (after all, where were the slaves and saddles?) we decided it must have been a political matter for which we were called to. But what about? Britain? We all thought we had a great standing relationships with the homeland, aside for some recent troop harassment, we were all quite content with our situation. Who wouldn't be? A prosperous colony protected by the greatest army the world had ever witnessed, coupled with the high influx of cheap tea, we were in Heaven. As the well-dressed man came by and poured me some of that tea, the door burst open. It was Jefferson in all his red-haired glory. We all stood at attention, except the frustrated Washington, who's teeth had fallen into his teacup.

"I beseech you to heareth my words, gentlemen," Jefferson bellowed.

Jefferson, ever the wordsmith. After Washington regained his composure, Jefferson asked us all to take a seat, for he had something important to tell us. At least, that's what we assumed. He began on about some additional troops that the King had recently sent to patrol Boston. Big deal, it happens all the time. Then Jefferson droned on and on about independence and revolution. Some of us grew impatient with this never ending lecture on liber-something. Madison was the first to crack.

"Where's the slaves!?"

Jefferson was expounded by our lack of appreciation for his declaration which he had claimed to have worked on for days. He yelled at us about how all we cared about were ourselves.

"Here here!" We cheered.

Upon hearing this, Jefferson took out his flintlock and shot a round into the ceiling, much to Franklin's disdain.

"That's authentic stucco, you ass."

The whole room had gone silent at Jefferson's outburst. The smoke settled in our pipes, the tea sat untouched, and politics were the last thing on our mind. This man was clearly insane. Jefferson berated us for what seemed like minutes on our selfish behavior and indulgence in luxuries. He obviously wasn't getting through to us, in fact, Charles Cotesworth Pinckney had actually dozed off in his seat while John Jay picked his pocket.

Then everything took a turn as Jefferson spoke words that would strike heart in the fear of any man. A sentence constructed so perfectly to scare, that no spine could resist the tingle. This is what made us all listen to Jefferson, possibly for the first time in our lives.

"You all do know that King George recently put another tax on us without representation, right?"

Patrick Henry scoffed, "On what, chicken feed?"

We laughed, oh did we laugh! Patrick Henry had always been the most reliable for a chuckle, ever since his raucous rant on the difference between White people and the French.

"You know the worst thing about the French? The French always want credit for some things they are supposed to do. A Frenchman'll brag about some stuff a normal man just does. A Frenchman'll say some stuff like 'I take care of my children.' You're supposed to you low-intelligent ninny! What kind of ignorant stuff is that!? 'I have never been to the penitentiary, sir!' What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to the penitentiary you low expectation-having halfwit!"

We laughed for a fortnight at that. And while we scoffed away and considered Henry's brilliance, Jefferson hit us with the news that would change our lives forever.

"The tax was on tea, one-eighth pence per dram."

The scoffing stopped instantly, the upper-class chortling went dead, and Franklin passed gas. All this made for a disturbing silence.

"That's right you snobby imbeciles, your precious tea has been taxed behind your backs!"

We stood up, nearly simultaneously, and threw up our fingers in protest. We spoke at once, yelling various claims of "this cannot happen" and "how dare that George". I could only make out snippets of these protests amid the volume and confusion.

"I'll go broke entertaining all my guests!"

"What will I serve my prostitute?" (100 pounds says this is attributed to Monroe)

"What will I bathe in?"

"Hey, Pinckney's not breathing."

All these were drowned out my another Jeffersonian gunshot to the stucco ceiling. Franklin let out a whimper and the room went still again. He looked at us intensely, as if he had just had his way with Sally. Those eyes burned with something. Revolution? Lack of tea? No one in the room was sure. We knew we were thinking revolution and already we were feeling pressed by this tea tax. Those British bastards! Who do they think they are? Apparently Washington and I were on the same page.

"Here's the plan, gentlemen. We shall revolt against these barbarians of taxation. Fight against the tyranny of that King George. Jefferson, that stuff you said earlier, write it down. Just spice it up some, can you do that? Alright, we are going to get stuff done. Who in the Devil's name are they to mess with us?"

We hollered and hooted uncontrollably. To fight our homeland, to cut ties, to take on the greatest army in the world (not personally, we have citizens for that). This undertaking would be grand. No man or country shall make us pay so much for our tea. And that representation deal? Not cool. Those troops have been awfully pushy lately as well. Those red-coated demons will pay for the grievances they've caused us. Blood will spill until my cheap tea returns.

I screamed with all my heart, "TEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA!"

And that's how I remember how the Revolutionary War started.
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ADDITIONAL HISTORICAL FACTS

-Franklin's stucco ceiling was eventually fixed by Jefferson, who felt so bad, that after Franklin died, Jefferson became President in his honor. Without acting to honor Franklin, Jefferson would not have been elected in a thousand years. [Source: My Life In Hell. Thomas Jefferson's Autobiography]

-The room was also full of Hamilton's children. He couldn't find a sitter. [Source: A Collection of Founding Fathers' Letters to the Goode Olde Babysitting Service]

-Pinckney did not die, but his heart did stop for 97 seconds. He spent the rest of his life in a bed, drooling. [Source: Guinness Book of World Records 1776 - Ugliest Man to Have Survived Myocardial Infarction]

-Washington only decided to lead the army after being tricked by Franklin into believing the post would include access to a mythological Pegasus. [Source: The Many Trickeries of Benjamin Franklin in Colonial Times]

-Jefferson had forgotten some of what he had said, and requested it be checked over and improved by the town drunk, who's name is lost to history. [Source: My Reluctant Admittances. Thomas Jefferson's Confessionals]

-Patrick Henry's "White People and The French" routine would later be read by secret history buff Chris Rock, who would modernize it in his act "Niggas vs Black People." [Source: Bigger and Blacker commentary track]

-The term "Jeffersonian" was used for the first time in this recollection, it would later be applied to things he was less popular for among his peers. These being architecture, political philosophy, and democracy. During his days, "Jeffersonian" was used by the Founding Fathers to describe an other's high level of douchebaggery or "excessive queerness". John Adam's prickness for example, had a Jeffersonian quality to it. [Source: My Life In Hell 2 - A Continuation. Thomas Jefferson' second autobiography]

-Jefferson never had an orgy in his life. That didn't stop him from spreading rumors, though. [My Sad Twisted Lies - A Further Confessional. A sequel to My Reluctant Admittances]

-Timothy Fredericks went on to become a Special Advisor during the Washington Administration. His two main contributions were his suggestion to name the capitol Washington, D.C. and the invention of crack cocaine. [Source: Recollections of Timothy Fredericks: Founding Father, Chapter 21]