In The Year...Today

The future has been predicted, depicted, and restricted. Predicted by futurists, scientists, and day dreamists. Depicted in movies, film, and the silver screen. Restricted only by our lack of motivation and initiative. I know something about the future that not even the brainiest Asian physicist could calculate. The secret is that we'll never get to the future; that it will never come to fruition.

Sure, you'll say, "But the future has to come, doesn't it? Isn't the future just a minute from now?"

I would heartily reply, "No. Now go get me coffee."

Even with my detailed rebuttal, you'll probably still ask the usual whys about my theory, so let me dumb it down for you.

Fantastical concepts such as jetpacks, hovercars, teleportation, and a multiracial intergalactic space crew are still the stuff of dreams, are they not? True, there are jetpacks, but they last 30 seconds and they tend to blow up without warning. And teleportation? Scientists are starting to question if it's even feasible, and some going so far as to call it out and out bullshit.

If some of these ideas aren't even possible, why would people have written about them in futuristic novels? It makes no sense. Write a future book about something that could happen, you cockteasing novelists!

Now you'll say, "Oh, they're just fiction writers."

"Shut up," I'll wittily retort.

After I've successfully argued my position I would explain that these "great thinkers" shouldn't put in our heads ideas of a utopia of flying jeeps and cheap alien tail (I mean "tail" in the literal sense) unless we can one day fly these jeeps and procreate with these rainbow-colored creatures.

However, there is one point I may consider and this point actually restructures my theory a bit. Maybe these wonderful possibilities are in fact possible. Except, our present selves have become so expectant of the soon-to-come prosperity of solar-powered skyscrapers (that can walk) and weapons of planetary destruction that no one has actually bothered to pursue these creations. They sit in their labs twiddling their thumbs, playing Solitaire on their supercomputers, waiting...waiting...waiting for someone else to cure cancer. Nothing will get done because we will all understandably think that there are others shaping the future for us.

"Dude, haven't those Malaysian guys solved that poverty shit yet?"

But these complex questions will never be answered with an enthusiastic "Hell yeah!" Instead, the test tubes get dusty and the blueprints get tossed away.

This is because the future is full of procrastinators, putting off the inventions and ideas and instead pursuing hot cars and hotter women, or so is my understanding of procrastinating scientists. By 2015, according to Back to the Future (based on a true story, I believe), we should have hovering skateboards, flying cars, and the 19th installment of Jaws. Where are they? Huh? I want my damn Jaws.

What we need to do is get these lazyass scientists to get going. Throw some incentives like million-dollar paychecks and all the finest robotic women that they can build out of old Game Boys and broken DVDs. I believe very strongly that unless we end present day procrastination concerning all things futuristic, our present selves will never experience the future that people of the past predicted our present day selves would have...in the future.

To be honest, I don't know what the fuck I just said.