Thoughts

What happens if something unconstitutional happens during a boxing match? What would the court case be called? Is it considered a rematch?

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I'm tempted to go into a furniture store and paint arrows on the seats of all the stools. I guarantee 75% of the people who use those stools will sit in the same direction of the arrow. The other 25%? Douchebags.

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I've determined the two worst situations to get fancy and shit in a baseball game. Close your eyes with me and picture this situation. Game 7. World Series. Bottom of the ninth with two outs. The bases are loaded and the count on the batter is full. The other team is up by one run and just needs to get this one out to win it all. The pitcher is trying to catch his breath, not let the pressure get to him. He winds up and unleashes a wicked fastball. The batter, seeing everything in slow motion, cracks the ball. It's a grounder though, a sharp one, right to the shortstop. He gobbles it up and sets his sights on first base and is about to throw it. This is where things get interesting. This shortstop, he's been prepping something special. He's been working on it for months now. He's thinking to himself, "This is it. This is the moment to use it."

He cocks back his arm, "I'm gonna end the World Series with a knuckleball."

And so he tosses it. This fluttering ball, unmoving as it flies through the air toward the first baseman, is about to make history. The wind catches it and it begins to duck and dodge like Tyson. The first baseman is baffled as the ball hits the ground and takes a wild hop past him. He runs after it, but it's too late. Two runs cross the plate and the game's over. The shortstop's team loses. The home crowd booes like crazy, his teammates are running at him, but he's all smiles.

"You see that thing move?!"

The other situation is basically the same but instead of the shortstop, it's the centerfielder, and instead of a knuckleball throw, it's a behind the back catch.

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I don't think there has ever been a Neo-Nazi protest at an Adam Sandler movie. I think he's noticed too. Look at his past couple movies. The guy made "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"! He was a Gay Jewish man in that one. Next one? You "Don't Mess With The Zohan". Even the title is taunting these skinheads now. In that movie he was a Super Jew. The guy's throwing softballs at this point. Watch, his next film is gonna be called "Fuck Hitler".

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We all remember shortly after Hurrican Katrina, Kanye West told the world that "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People." Everyone lost their minds when he said that, but not me. Everyone just misunderstood what he meant. I think what Kanye meant to say was that George Bush doesn't care for Black People. You know, how, like, I don't care for broccoli. It's not that he hates them, he's just not a big fan. Bush doesn't have anything against them necessarily, he's just indifferent toward them. Katrina hits New Orleans and he just lets the city sit there for awhile, I do the same thing with the vegetables on my plate. No big deal.

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So what's the deal with bees? Do you think they have any sort of thought process? Do you think they know that when they sting you they're gonna die soon after? Personally, I don't think they do. I mean, put yourself in the mind of a bee... You're flying around, just doing your bee thing, and some six year-old punk tries swattin' you down. You have one of two options; you can fly away and try to get out with as little damage as possible or you can just say, "Fuck it, I might escape with little or no harm, but I'm just gonna go ahead and sting em' just to irritate them." Now see, if they know that they're going to die post-sting and they also know they could potentially escape the situation without any harm, this is the single most spiteful creature on the face of the earth. "Swat at me, asshole? I'm gonna sting ya! I don't care if I die! As long as give you a brief second of uncomfortability, it'll all be worth it." What we're looking at here is the essentially the inspiration for the Japanese kamikazees. But we will never really know for sure, it's just another one of nature's mysteries.

Hulk

Let's talk about superheroes for a moment shall we? Okay, there are things when I'm reading comic books or watching superhero movies that I can put out of my head to help enjoy it. I know that science does not necessarily have to be accurate. Collateral damage need not be taken into account. Logic in general is basically pointless. But no matter how hard I try there is one aspect that continues to gnaw away at me. It may be to many of you the most mundane aspect about these fantastic beings with even more fantastic powers.

Their names. One in particular really get at me.

The Incredible Hulk. I personally just find this completely redundant. Does it need to be said that the Hulk is incredible? Isn't it somewhat obvious that this juiced-up version of the Jolly Green Giant is a little more than average? I mean, this guy can run faster than my Volvo can go on the highway, he can jump higher than a Cirque Du Soleil performer on pogo-stilts, and he can effortlessly lift my entire office building. I don't get the point of that added title. Unless...unless there are other Hulks. Hulks of varying incredibility. Maybe out there, far and away from the heroics of the Incredible Hulk is another Hulk who perhaps isn't as interesting. Sure he's still green, and definitely still mean, but maybe he also has to work two jobs to support his family and he's still strapped for cash, getting bitched out by his wife every night for crashing through the front of the house again. And maybe he's inadequate in bed too. He's the Mediocre Hulk. Ok, now with that other Hulk in existence, I can understand why they would need to label the other one as incredible. It's all in the name of avoiding confusion.

"Hey, were we just saved by that Hulk I always see unloading flat-screen TVs by the hundreds at Best Buy?"

"No, you're thinking of the Mediocre Hulk. The Incredible Hulk was the one who stopped the meteorite from smashing us all to bits."

But to my knowledge, there is no Mediocre Hulk. I don't honestly know what the creators of these iconic heroes were thinking. "Incredible," is a word that is not needed to describe a superhero, it's basically implied. I don't call my friend Jim, "The Balding Jim." You see him, you see he's bald, it's obvious. With The Hulk, you see him, you see he's clearly incredible and it too is obvious. Unless there's a Mediocre Hulk out there somewhere working for tips at a car wash, then we don't need to get specific. We can just call him the Hulk.

So let it be known, future comic book creators, if I catch a new comic out there called, "The Heroic Sharkman" or some shit like that, then I'm gonna have to kick someone's ass.