Advice for Michael and Amy

I'm going to be honest and straight with you all. Someday, I plan on having children. Whether they're going to be with someone I care about or with a Guatemalan prostitute who kinda looks like Jennifer Lopez when you squint will be up to God to determine. What's for certain is that I'm going to have to be role model for these children, instill them with values, and most importantly, give them advice.

This is why I post today, so when the time comes, I can simply come back to this and print it off. Or better yet, print it now and just fold it up and keep it in the wallet. That too, will be up to God to determine. So here I shall list what I deem as the most important things my son should know as he grows up. Although, I think I will have a girl's list as well as a boy's one, just in case my wife turns out to have really powerful eggs.

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Michael

1. Always respect women. They are the most beautiful and intelligent things on this planet. And until we explore other worlds and find planets that hold even more beautiful and intelligent creatures, we shall be polite, courteous, and chivalric to the female sex.

2. Cops do not take bribes. It doesn't matter whether you have your credit card, debit card, checkbook, traveler's check, rain check, I.O.U., or cold hard cash. When they say they want your license and registration. That really is all they want.

3. It's lefty loosy, righty tighty. You have no idea how many armoire sets have failed to stay together for me because I was not bestowed with this helpful mnemonic tip until I was 17. Turn the screw left to unscrew and screw it right to screw it right. If you really are my son, by the way, you just laughed at the second part of that sentence. Good job, kiddo.

4. A little confidence, charm, and wit go a long way. Walk into a room with an upright posture, a gleaming smile, and an arched eyebrow and you will be creating something called an "Aura." It's an invisible field of energy that a man exudes that can turn him into a leader, comedian, and sex symbol. Sometimes all three.

5. Always wear a condom. You don't want to have to worry about writing an advice list when you're seventeen like I am. Rubber up, pal. Remember, "keep it snug, then shag the rug." That was kind of weird, I know, but it'll help you remember.

6. When at a sporting event, bring a Sharpie, White-out, and the nicest clothes you own. Let me explain, when you go to a baseball game or a tennis match or whatever, you find the best seats available and take them. From that point, White-out the seat and aisle numbers on your ticket, check the seat and aisle number you're now in and then fill them in with your Sharpie on your ticket where the old numbers use to be. When the "rightful owners" appear and politely tell you that you're in their seats, you can say, "No, look at my tickets." You'll embarrass them by showing them the seats are yours at which point you can go a step further and say, "You people don't even look properly dressed for a game of tennis," while brandishing your tuxedo, top hat, and cane. They will leave, sullen, sad, and without front row seats.

7. Love really does exist. It is also the most complicated thing you will ever encounter. You may have to go through a few women until you find the one. During this uncharted course, you will come across seedy clubs, loose ladies, and if you happen to have a bad break-up, you will come across all your belongings outside you and your girlfriend's apartment. It's a path that will make you wiser, better, and emotionally stronger. Sure, you'll lose faith in humanity and then find "meaning" in everything all in the same week, but you just have to keep your wits about you. The same wits you should have after reading Advice #4. She's out there for you, kiddo. And hopefully if you've followed all my advice, she'll realize that no one is going to be a better man out there than you.

Amy

1. Men are idiots. They will forever be perpetual children, and they will only become smarter at concealing this fact. Take the most "mature" man you know, put a gun to his head and he will tell you his favorite fart joke. The best you can do with men is tolerate their childish tendencies, and the smart ones will try their best to show their mature side more often.

2. Don't let the other girls get you down. You do what you want to do, and if that makes you popular, then that's great. If you end up being a social pariah, well, that's the price for being an independent woman. Eventually people will come to respect your independent nature, trust me, they will. Heck, Destiny's Child even wrote a song promoting independent women. That was Beyonce's group before she became super famous, by the way.

3. Remember, not all the prettiest flowers are roses and not all the prettiest girls are stick-thin fashion models. You're beautiful, just like Christina Aguilera says, so just be happy who you are.

4. Kissing on the first date carries a lot of weight with it. Just imagine what sex on the first date carries. I don't know what it carries exactly, but I always picture some giant ape with those ankle weights as a visual representation. What I'm trying to say is that taking it slow is the best way to go. It rhymes, so it must work. Check out the boy's advice list's #5 for another example.

5. A nice face will blow a man away for a moment, but good humor and brains will blow him away for the rest of his life. Don't fall for their wagging tongues, when it comes down to it, a laugh and quick remark from you will stick with them more than anything else. A pretty face is only a plus at that point.

6. While we're talking about pretty faces, the only cop that can be bribed is a cop that's a sucker for pretty faces. So, always keep lipstick and mascara in your car, along with a spare tire and road flares.

7. Never take crap from anyone. If a man is being sexist to you, kick him straight in the balls. Then call me, and I'll go punch his lights out. Until the day you get married, I want to know you're honoring that Juntunen name, so don't let some punkass lessen your awesomeness. Remind me to enroll you in a Krav Maga class at some point too.

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Alright, hopefully with these 7 things each (I keep it equal) you will grow up to be two kids I'm proud to call my own, unless of course your mother actually does end up being that Guatemalan J.Lo Hooker, then I may play dumb. Sorry if that does turn out to be the case. But if things do turn out well for me and I'm with someone I care about, well, I can't speak for your mother, obviously, but I will always love you no matter what.

Until I actually do see you, I'm going to go enjoy my time and maybe try to follow the rules I set forth for you two. Mostly the boy's ones, but some of the girl's ones cross over too. Someday we'll see each other, just remember, I'll be the one smiling back at you.

Unless the person has long hair. That's your mother.