Why Pittsburgh Always Loses - A Lesson

A boy and his father have just finished watching Game 2 between the Detroit Red Wings and the Pittsburgh Penguins. The boy, inquisitive, turns to his father.

"Dad, why are the Penguins losing all the time?"

The father smokes his fancy pipe for a moment before answering his young son's question.

"Well, son," the father begins, "For starters, the Penguins are captained by a preteen boy, not much older than yourself. That's Sidney Crosby, the little fella out there with the scruffy facial hair getting double-teamed all the time. See, our captain, Nick Lidstrom, is an experienced veteran who earned his captainship by playing for years as an intelligent defensemen and one of the best in the game, not because the NHL executives, especially Commissioner Bettman, hyped him beyond belief as being the poster child and future of the league when really Mr. Ovechkin of the Capitals is. Oh, also, Lidstrom's a future Hall of Famer."

"But their captain got a lot of points during the season. Why isn't he doing anything?"

"Good question. Easy answer. It's because he doesn't play Detroit 82 times a year, otherwise you wouldn't see those kinds of numbers. Also, Crosby isn't good enough to handle Detroit defense, which is widely-regarded as being the most efficient for nearly a decade now. Zetterberg and Lidstrom in particular make neutralizing Crosby look like a breeze."

"Neutralizing?"

"It means to make Crosby look like he's never played hockey against a professional team before."

"Oh...so that's why they're losing?"

"Oh no no no, buddy. There's a lot more."

"Like what?"

"The Penguins' leading scorer, Evgeni Malkin, is also the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"Like in that Disney movie! He's Quasimoto!"

"Exactly. His face is grotesque, but because the Wings have been playing ugly mugs like him for so long, his face has no effect on them. During the regular season, defensemen would move out of his away to avoid looking at him, giving Quasimoto...er...Malkin, an open lane to score all the time. But our guys, like Zetterberg, aren't afraid of him, and will even fight him, like you saw at the end of the game."

"But Zetterberg was defending Ozzie after that bad guy knocked him down after the whistle. Why didn't Malkin like that?

"Because Malkin isn't a classy player, and he's upset that his team is doing so badly. You know how you get mad because you can't beat your video games and you slam your controller on the floor?"

"Yeah."

"That's why he got mad, because Detroit is like your video game, set on 'All-Star,' and Malkin and the Penguins aren't good enough to beat them, so they get mad and push and fight."

"So...the Penguins are losing because Crosby isn't experienced enough to lead his team, isn't good enough to beat Detroit's defense, and because Detroit isn't afraid of Malkin."

"That's right, and because Malkin doesn't have the discipline to control himself when his team is doing bad."

"Ok. What about their goalie? Why does he let in so many goals that Ozzie would stop?"

"That's another good question, pal. Marc-Andre Fleury is a good goalie, but he isn't a great goalie, and has a tendency to let in easy goals that even your mother could save with her Ove-Glove. He doesn't have the kind of mindset to get over those goals, so once he messes up, he keeps messing up. Oh, also Detroit's offense is relentless and has immense depth, meaning anybody on our team is a scoring threat. That means that Fleury never gets to rest and must always be afraid, which he is already."

"He's afraid?"

"Very. Remember last year when he fell coming out onto the ice?"

"Hahaha yeah! That was funny!"

"That's a tip-off to how anxious and nervous he was to play the Red Wings. A year later he's still afraid of us."

"Wow. Is that all?"

"They also have a player on their team named Satan. Which is spelled S-A-T-A-N, just like Satan. And what did we learn in church?"

"Satan never wins!"

"That's right! And neither does the team he plays on."

"Dad, what about Marian Hossa?"

"What about him, buddy?"

"Why did he leave to come play with us?"

"Well, a lot of folks say it was because he wanted to play with a team that had the best chance to win a Stanley Cup, which is partly true, but also because he realized all the stuff I just taught you right now. That with a little boy leading the team, a half-man half-Picasso painting leading in points, a sissy-pants-wetting goalie in net, and Satan on the ice, that Pittsburgh would never help him win a Cup. So he came to Detroit."

"Wow, Hossa's smart!"

"He sure is, son. That's why he's wearing the Red and White."

"Pittsburgh doesn't seem like they have a good chance to win this series, Dad."

"No chance to be honest. Wings in 5."

The father goes back to smoking his pipe and watching the post-game show, but the son has one more question.

"Dad, is Mickey Redmond crazy?"

The father puts his pipe back down.

"This is going to take a while, son. You might want to go get some ice cream."

"YAY!"